I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
