come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize