When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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