when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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