im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
