One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
