booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
