I want to make a zoo with you.
Duck Duck Cougar?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
