I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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