I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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