I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
