I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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