I think I won the penis lottery.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize