He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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