Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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