you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
