Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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