My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
