my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
