I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
