I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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