If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
