guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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