He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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