Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
