I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
