a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
