I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
