just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
