Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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