Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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