hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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