Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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