That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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