I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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