why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
