U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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