Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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