The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
