I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize