i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My breasts were aching with rage.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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