I accidentally burped into my bong.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
