i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
