U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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