The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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