just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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