I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
