I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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