I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
