If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
