he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
