I'm going to jail i love you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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