there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize