Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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