i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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