i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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