I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
