I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
