I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize