so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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