I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
