Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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