pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
