walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
