Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
