You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
